THE FINAL SOLUTION

BY: BARNEY SHEPHERD

I LOOKED UP INTO THE SKY ONE DAY
            JUST TO SEE WHAT I COULD SEE.
A BIG RED ANGRY EYEBALL
            WAS STARING BACK AT ME!
TEARS FLOWED LIKE A WATERFALL
            AND IT SEEMED TO SCREAM AND SHOUT
“GET A FIRETRUCK FULL OF MURINE.
            YOU JUST GOTTA GET THE RED OUT!”

WHEN A BIG RED ANGRY EYEBALL
            LOOKS DOWN FROM THE SKY
YOU DO EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS
            AND YOU DON’T STOP TO QUESTION WHY.
SO, OFF I GO IN A BURST OF SPEED
            TO SEE THE BIG FIRE CHIEF.
WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT I WANTED
            HE STARED, IN DISBELIEF.

“A FIRETRUCK FULL OF WHAT?”
            HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID.
“AND A BIG RED ANGRY EYEBALL!
            MAN, YOU’RE CRAZY IN THE HEAD.
NOW GET THE HELL RIGHT OUT OF HERE
            OR WE’LL LOCK YOU UP, YOU SEE,
IN A PADDED CELL, WITH PURPLE MICE
            AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!”

MY NEXT STOP WAS CITY HALL
            AND WHEN I’D TOLD MY TALE.
THE MAYOR LOOKED AT ME AND SAID
            “SON, CAN SOMEONE MAKE YOUR BAIL?”
HE PUSHED A BUTTON ON HIS DESK
            AND KING KONG WALKED THRU THE DOOR.
GUESS WHAT THAT BIG OLD APE MAN USED
            TO MOP THE HALLWAY FLOOR!

“YOUR HONOR SIR, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND,
            I GOTTA HAVE THIS STUFF.
CAUSE THAT BIG RED ANGRY EYEBALL
            MUST BE DIPPING SNUFF.”
THE GOVERNOR WAS A GENTLEMAN
            HE DIDN’T EVEN LAUGH.
PATTED ME UPON THE BACK,
            SAID HE’D DISCUSS IT WITH HIS STAFF.

“NO, NOT YOUR DAUGHTER, MR PRESIDENT
            THAT’S M-U-R-I-N-E.
A FIRETRUCK FULL OF EYE WASH
            SO OLD BIG RED CAN SEE.
AND GRAY IS NOT THE COLOR, SIR
            THAT I’M CONCERNED ABOUT.
AND A TRAINLOAD FULL OF HAIR DYE
            “WOULD STILL NOT GET THE RED OUT!”

“I HAVE THE SOLUTION” SAID THE PREZ
            “THERES A VACANCY TODAY.
WE’LL SWEAR YOU IN THIS AFTERNOON
            AS THE HEAD OF EPA.”
“THAT’S NOT THE EXACT SOLUTION
            I CAME TO TALK ABOUT.
BUT, IT WILL GET THE JOB DONE.”
            SO I ACCEPTED WITH A SHOUT!

OUTSIDE MY PLUSHED LINED OFFICE
            IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
IS A BIG RED SHINY FIRETRUCK
            AND EACH AFTERNOON AT THREE
I ADD A BOTTLE OF MURINE
            AS OLD RED SHEDS HIS TEARS.
I’LL EVENTUALLY GET THE RED OUT