STINK BASE

BY: BARNEY SHEPHERD

THE FIRST STREAKER I EVER LAID EYES ON WAS MY COUSIN VANE!

ABOUT EVERY SATURDAY OR SUNDAY AFTERNOON, WEATHER PERMITTING, HALF THE CHILDREN IN THE COUNTY WOULD GATHER AT MY UNCLE SMITHS HOUSE.  THOSE WERE GLORIOUS TIMES!  TWO OF THE FASTEST OLDER BOYS WOULD CHOOSE SIDES.  ONE WOULD TOSS A BIG LONG STICK TO THE OTHER, HE WOULD CATCH IT IN HIS RIGHT HAND AND THE OTHER ONE WOULD PUT HIS HAND AROUND THE STICK JUST ABOVE HIS.  THEY WOLD EXCHANGE HANDS ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.  THE LAST HAND ON TOP WOULD HAVE FIRST PICK, THAT IS, IF HE COULD TOSS THE STICK OVER HIS HEAD, BACKWARDS!  USUALLY THE FIRST GAME WE WOULD PLAY WAS CALLED STINK BASE.

WE WOULD PLACE TWO LONG STRIPS OF WOOD IN THE FRONT YARD WITH ABOUT FIFTY FEET BETWEEN THEM.  THIS WAS HOME BASE.  ON THE RIGHT SIDE ABOUT FIVE OR SIX FEET FROM HOME BASE WE PLACED AN OBJECT LIKE A LARGE STONE.  THIS WAS KNOWN AS STINK BASE.  WE HAD CERTAIN BOUNDARY MARKERS AND YOU MUST STAY WITHIN BOUNDS.  THE CHALLENGER WAS THE PERSON WHO LEFT HOME BASE FIRST.  HE WAS FREE GAME THEN FOR ANYONE ON THE OTHER SIDE.  IF HE WAS TAGGED BEFORE HE GOT BACK TO HIS HOME BASE HE HAD TO GO TO THEIR STINK BASE AND COULD NOT PARTICIPATE AS LONG AS HE WAS THERE.  IF YOU COULD GET TO HIM BEFORE SOMEONE TAGGED YOU, HE GOT TO COME HOME.  THE OBJECT WAS TO GET ALL YOUR OPPONENTS ON YOUR STINK BASE.  IF AN OPPONENT CIRCLED YOUR HOME BASE AND GOT BACK HOME SAFE HE FREED ALL HIS FELLOW PLAYER AND THEY COULD ALL COME HOME FREE.  AS LONG AS YOU WERE ON HOME BASE YOU COULD NOT BE TAGGED.  WE BANTERED EACH OTHER TO DRAW THEM OFF.

WE WERE AT UNCLE SMITHS HOUSE ONE SUNDAY PLAYING STINK BASE.  MY COUSIN VANE HAD EXCUSED HIMSELF AND HAD GONE TO THE BATHROOM.  UNCLE SMITH HAD BUILT AN OUTHOUSE OVER A LITTLE BRANCH THAT FLOWED DOWN THE HILL A LITTLE WAYS FROM THE HOUSE. KINDA LIKE AN EVERFLOWING AUTOMATIC FLUSH.  VANE HAD APPARENTLY WENT TO DO NUMBER TWO.  AN OLD TURKET HEN HAD QUIETLY WALKED UNDER OUTHOUSE WHILE VANE WAS DOING HIS THING AND APPARENTLY REACHED UP AND PECKED HIM RIGHT SMACK DAB SQUARE IN THE BUTT.  HE CAME TEARING OUT OF THAT OUTHOUSE AS NAKED AS A JAYBIRD, RIGHT THROUGH THE WHOLE CROWD AND INTO THE HOUSE SQUEALING LIKE A STUCK PIG.

TRULY, EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.  A FEW DAYS LATER HE STARTED DATING A PRETTY GIRL NAMED HELEN THAT LIVED DOWN BELOW OUR HOUSE A WAYS.  HIS LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME AFTER THAT.

YOU JUST CAN’T EVER TELL ABOUT A GOOD GAME OF STINK BASE!

Sitting there behind that door

With his pants upon the floor,

‘Twas awful hard for him to see

Just what his future days would be.

He would not have bet you, way back then,

They were riding on a turkey hen!