POSITION AVAILABLE

I have always been an avid want ad reader, especially the positions available section. It is my nature to think that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I am forever looking for that one golden opportunity, the pie in the sky job, the truly great occupational adventure!

I don’t waste my time on the menial type jobs for which I am realistically and actually qualified. Not by a long shot. I go for broke and look for the ads with those adventurous jobs. Then I unbridle my imagination , conjure up counterfeit degrees and qualifications that would make the best of con men envious. Thus, I have mentally experienced some of the greatest adventures ever undertaken by man. All while resting comfortably in my space saving recliner sipping my favorite suds and savoring the flavor of a pipe full of Sir Walter Raleigh!

I have, in one lazy afternoon been a mountain climber, deep sea diver, tugboat captain, astronaut, spy, detective and project manager of an engineering miracle like the Aswan Dam.

I have, over the years, become an expert in determining exactly what the Ader is looking for in the Adee! When the ad reads "WANTED; Person who has a pleasing voice, is attractive, aggressive, experienced, efficient, ambitious and seeking managerial position with fringe benefits, paid vacation, profit sharing, good working hours, attractive office and immediate opening."

What he really wants is a person with a master’s degree, a jack of all trades and master of most. His desire is someone who could charm the pants off Wonder Woman while figuring out next year’s budget and sweeping the floor at the same time. He is looking for a person that will open the door for business at 6:00 AM and close at 11:59 PM, seven days per week. They must be able to clean the commode, supervise all personnel, solve all problems, go to the bank and patiently listen to his big mouth and then reply respectfully, "Yes sir", to any and all questions while he imposes upon you his favorite nickname "HEY YOU!"

Fringe benefits means an insurance policy that will pay $2.00 per day while hospitalized but only if chained to the bed. Three days vacation time at the end of five years with perfect attendance. Profit sharing means a turkey at Thanksgiving and a ham for Christmas, both purchased at a going out of business sale. Good working hour as aforementioned. Attractive office means a broom closet with a 10 watt bulb beside the john with a belching commode and gripper bars!

Immediate opening means that you must now be either unemployed or willing to walk off your present job right then and there and forever after be loyal and faithful to him and his firm. You must be a teetotaler and willing to cheerfully perform these duties for minimum wage and use your automobile for the generous amount of ten cents per mile. You must be able to do all of this while you train under his direct supervision for the managerial position!

These glad tidings are usually conveyed to you while he is negotiating by phone with the local automobile dealership for the latest luxury model. During negotiations he is belaboring loudly that business is going straight to hell all because he cannot find good employees that will put in a honest days work for a honest days pay. In the meantime he is sipping Wild Turkey from a cut glass beaker!

Well, I paid my dues. Now I generally recline in my chair sipping on Wild Turkey and puff my pipe. I still thumb through the Walter Mitty ads and enjoy the glorious adventures that take me to the four corners of the earth and beyond. All while awaiting my disability check so generously bestowed upon me as a result of a bad back injury sustained during my latest real occupational adventure.

I sometimes get out of my recliner, play a game of tennis, a round of golf and maybe I’ll do some chores for the missus like moving the Baby Grand. If she asks me politely!

The grass really is greener over here!