ON FEDERAL GRANTS

I read an article recently indicating that a large mid-western university had received a federal grant for the sole purpose of determining the sleeping habits of the average American male. Adult male, that is!

If those federal bureaucrats had only asked me first! We could have saved all that money for something really worthwhile. Great day in the morning, I know all about this particular subject and furthermore I assumed that everyone else did too!

For years and years I have had a lot of personal experience in this matter and over these years I have made an ardent study of these habits. Not that I have slept with many males, I haven’t, except for Grandpa, but he’s another matter.

Most of my studies were made by observing and listening to my fellowmen at the local neighborhood tavern while sitting there on the barstool listening to the American male expound, gripe, complain, brag and rejoice about their times in the sack. When in quest of this type information a university is the last place to look. Anyone with a lick of sense would know that you go down to the local bar, sit back, sip on some good bourbon with a little branch water and listen. You’d thing the federal government would know this!

After sifting all the sand, separating the wheat from the chaff, so to speak, it was and is a fact that the average American adult male sleeps an average of seven hours each night. Furthermore, whether married or single, seventy percent with a female companion. About one percent prefer a male partner. The average American adult male actually stays in bed a little longer than seven hours but that is all the sleep he gets or requires. Fifty-one percent snore and seventeen percent grind their teeth while sleeping. Slightly over fifty percent sleep in their underwear, thirty-two percent in pajamas, seventeen percent in the raw and one percent prefer a female negligee or nightgown!

I also learned that the average American adult male prefers to sleep on the left side of female bed partner. Almost always! I even discovered the reason for this. It is the advent of the modern automobile. It has evolved as a habit. Usually, the first romantic encounter the average American adult male has with a member of the fairer sex takes place in the front seat of the automobile. Since the male usually drives on these romantic escapades, he is to the left under the steering wheel and the female is to his immediate right. Our subject isn’t comfortable on the other side! As a matter of fact, there are definite indications that the left side of the female anatomy may be increasing……..oh well, that is yet to be substantiated……further studies will be required. Maybe I should apply for a federal grant!

Anyway, just to prove my point, I found out that studies of a similar nature made in countries where the steering wheel of the automobile is on the right hand side the sleeping habits of the average adult males were reversed. These guys slept on the right side of the bed!

Now getting back to Grandpa. That old man would sleep anywhere. He drove a horse and buggy!