MAY BASKET

MAY BASKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JOHN
You kids hold on just one golldarn minute! This may be the first day of May and all like that, but you young’uns are not going to run all over the country and catch them kids ‘til you finish your supper. Hells afire, it ain’t even dark yet…………….I said not one inch until supper is finished. You all got that?

MAY BASKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RUTHIE
That sounds like Eddie Miller!

JOHNNY
Couldn’t be anyone else. Can’t nobody yell like that except Eddie.

JOHN
Well, he came by it naturally………….you can hear his Ma clear over in Wilkes county calling the cows or one of her young’uns. ‘Tadpole, you better get home right now or I’m going to cut the blood out of you.’ She’s got a pair of lungs on her near ‘bout as big as those two………….well you know.

JOHNNY
Does he yell that loud when you two are out on a date, Ruthie?

BECKY
Quit eating so fast Johnny. You’re not going anywhere ‘til the rest are finished. No one leaves until you are all finished, you hear?

JOHNNY
Tell Ruthie………..look at her……..just shoveling it in!

JOHN
You all just better slow down………..they’ll hold a few more minutes……and I don’t want you young’uns laying out all night either. We got to get that corn in the ground tomorrow. Should have put it in two weeks ago but my Pay always said to wait ‘til the full of the moon. I don’t know what the moon has to do with it but Pa did have the prettiest corn in the country. He always had silks by the fourth of July and roastin’ ears by the first of August. He never hoed his corn but once either. You all better stay clear of your Uncle Jim’s place too. He’s dangerous ever since those Miller boys played that trick on him. Before that he was just like a kid about it. He ran himself ragged and caught more May basketeers than anyone. That was when he started to dating Martha. He sure had his share of fun back then! I can’t say that I blame him too much. That was a lousy trick those boys pulled…………

BECKY
As soon as you get finished eating you had better get your shoes on.

JOHN
That’s right, get those shoes on. We don’t want anyone laid up with sore feet like last year. We never got a lick of work out of Johnny boy there for two weeks or more.  Now where …………oh yeah, your Uncle Jim…….well, ever since they sneaked up on the front porch and leaned that heavy fence rail against the door he don’t take to the game too well. When he opened the door that rail came crashing down and laid open a coon’s cock right across his scull. Doc Purdy took twelve stitches to sew it up.

MAY BASKET !!!!!!!!!!!!!

BILLY JOE
Can we go Pa?

JOHN
In a minute! In a minute! Martha says he got his shotgun and shot up a whole box of shells before she could stop him. Lucky he didn’t kill someone. He sure hates the sound of May Basket. Just like a bootlegger turned preacher!

RUTHIE
Lets go before Ed……….I mean they all leave!

JOHN
Ok, go on but get in early and don’t get into any meanness. Johnny you look after the rest and keep your eye on Eddie, especially when he’s around Ruthie…..AND WATCH OUT FOR BILLY JOE!  Becky did you see Ruthie’s face when Eddie’s name came up? It turned as reed as a monkey’s butt. That’s the reason I told Johnny to watch him……..I don’t trust that boy!

BECKY
Just because you were such a rounder in your day is no excuse to go and pick on Eddie. Anyway, they are too young to be thinking about anything like that.

JOHN
Oh yeah, you know better than that……..and you should have seen them after prayer meeting the other night. He had her hugged up and she was laying up to him like a sick kitten to a hot rock. Too young my foot! He’s sixteen; she’s fourteen and anyway, a woman is just like a cucumber; when they are big enough they are old enough!

BECKY
John, you are the crudest man in the world. Anyway, Ruthie ain’t that kind of girl and we can trust her and that is for sure. She wouldn’t think about such carryings on!

JOHN
Oh yeah, that just goes to show you what a short memory you have. Hot blood runs through the whole kit and kaboodle and you can’t deny that she takes after your side of the family. She is the spittin’ image of your Mama and your Papa says that she is just like your Mama in every way, actions and all. And don’t forget, I’ve been married to one for several years……..so don’t start telling me all that stuff. She has the same blood running through her veins as you have and…….

BECKY
Oh, for heavens sake John……..

JOHN
Just think for a minute…….how old were we when we first started dating?

BECKY
Well I was fourteen and you were almost sixteen, but we were…….

JOHN
Just kids, that’s what!

BECKY
Yeah, but we didn’t…….not then……

JOHN
I know! We were just like Ruthie and Eddie now!

BECKY
Those were really good times.

JOHN
They sure were! Did you ever try to figure out how many young’uns are conceived while hanging May Baskets?

BECKY
I had already made a date with Bob when you asked me. I had been hoping and praying that you would ask e out and when you did I just couldn’t say no. Truly, I was going to tell Bob and break our date but I didn’t see him before the meeting started. Honest, I didn’t mean to make a date with both of you.

JOHN
I’ll always remember the look on Bob’s face when both of us came strolling up and took you by the arm.

BECKY
You should have seen the look on yours!

JOHN
He was really mad though when you told him you wanted me to walk you home. You know, I’ll bet my hat right now that he was the one that took a pot shot at me after I left your house that night. He’d deny it, of course but I’ll just bet he was the one. I’ll carry that scar where that bullet grazed my back ‘til the day I die. Yesssirrreee! I’ll bet anything he is the one!

BECKY
Remember the first time you came over to our house to hang a May Basket?

JOHN
Yeah, that was the first time we………wonder if they really believed that story about being chased up a tree by that mean old bull?

Everyone had been caught and they were playing spin the bottle by the time we got back.

I still think you let me catch you real quick down there in that pig lot!

BECKY
John, I could always out run you!

For goodness sakes, when are you going to wash your feet? Its got so anymore that every time you take off your shoes it nearly stifles me to death. And you scratch your toes all the time, just making it worse. If you’d use that sheep dip medicine Aunt Lou gave you it would clear them up. At least they wouldn’t stink so bad! Jenny was helping me wash last week and she nearly puked when she picked up one of your socks!

JOHN
You know I’ve had this ever since I was in the army. Ain’t nary a thing that I can do about it. Doc Purdy says I’ll go to my grave with it………a fungi or something like that they say and it can’t be cured. Anyway Aunt Lou don’t know everything. She made me stand in a pile of fresh cow manure one time. Can you imagine if someone had come by and seen me standing there barefooted in that steaming pile of cow dung………

BECKY
Well now, the best thing you can do right now is to put those romance killers back in your shoes!

JOHN
You get a delight in throwing off on me, don’t you?

BECKY
I’m not throwing off…….just asking you to take care of your blasted feet and the supper table is the last place in the world to bare those stinking puppies!

JOHN
I’ll wash ‘em as soon as you get through with the supper dishes. I’ll use that soapy water and let them soak for a spell!

BECKY
Dishpan my foot! You take that lye soap and go down to the creek!

JOHN
Honey, that sure was a good supper. I always said you were about as good in the kitchen as you are in the bedroom…….

BECKY
Always said to whom…….you ain’t been talking about……you know…..to other people have you?

JOHN
Of course not honey, I keep that between the two of us.

You know you could have let me catch you somewhere else besides that pig lot.

BECKY
Well, as I remember that pig lot did in no way deter your heat of passion any. You’re talking like I started it. It takes two to tango you know!

JOHN
There is one thing about it. How many people you know that can say their sex life started in a pig sty? Now that would make a good country song…….Sow Belly Boogie or I Shed My Cracker in a Pig Sty, in a pig sty………

BECKY
In a pigs eye you mean…..it didn’t last long enough for you to shed anything!

I really didn’t mean to go that far. No woman on earth wants to lose her virginity in a pig sty……and no woman on earth wants to put up with those damned stinking feet………so if you have plans to try and further populate the earth, you better get down to the creek …..real fast!

JOHN
You want another young’un?

BECKY
Of course not………you know John, I am beginning to get worried about Ruthie…..oh well if they are going to, they are just going to…….

JOHN
Then you admit I’m right?

BECKY
I’m not admitting anything…….just thinking.

BECKY
I know what you’re after. You have sit right there and done talked yourself up into a lather. I can wash the dishes while you are down at the creek!

JOHN
Then you’re hankering for Old John, just a little bit, huh?

BECKY
After the honeymoon it’s wham, bam, thank you ma’am!

JOHN
What do you want me to do? Break out in the jock itch?

BECKY
Okay, I’ll leave the dishes ‘til later….come on and lets get this over with!

JOHN
Well now, if that is the attitude you aim to take you can just forget the whole thing. You would be throwing it up to me for weeks……we’ve been through this before!

BECKY
John, just run on down to the creek while I wash the dishes and put everything away.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

JOHN
Look at these clean pinkies!

BECKY
And you look at these!

JOHN
My god woman, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

BECKY
Just slow and easy now….

JOHN
What in the holy hell is that?

BECKY
Stop John stop! It’s the kids and they will come bursting in any minute!

JOHN
Good gosh almighty, just what in the hell is this younger generation coming to anyway? It ain’t even nine o’clock yet. I never did get back from hanging a May basket ‘til after midnight. What in tarnation do they think we let them run all over those hills at night for anyway? It sure ain’t for exercise. They don’t have any consideration for us parents. No consideration at all! Nine o’clock and back from hanging a May basket. I’m a good mind to…………

BECKY
Hush honey, we’ll just leave them here tomorrow night and we’ll go hang our own May basket………that old pig sty is still there!