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LOVER BOY
Just over the hill, less than a mile from our Blue Ridge Mountain home was a small valley between the ridges called the Tyler Hollow! Elijah Tyler and his wife Lucresia had fourteen daughters from the age eight to twenty-two.
They were, at the time, most of them single and living at home.
My Father and I had gone over to the Tyler Hollow to see a litter of pigs that Eli’s brother Millard had penned up in his hog lot. His old sow had given birth to thirteen piglets and according to rumor these little pigs had paws like a fox or dog.
When we got there Millard and his brothers had just finished shooting the whole litter and the sow. They had them laid out on a drag sled and were on their way to bury the whole lot. Sure enough, those pigs, every last one of them had paws instead of hooves.
We helped them bury the pigs and sow. Millard then had a prayer asking that they be delivered from this terrible hex!
We were walking back with Eli and stopped at his house for a drink of water. One of Eli’s daughters came skipping down the path to the spring with a dipper in her hand. She handed me a dipper full of water and I was in love before I could take the first sip.
I spent a lot of time in the Tyler Hollow that summer!
It’s strange indeed how we get stuck
With names we don’t deserve
Then wear them like a merit badge;
Some people really have the nerve.
Now, I was branded very young
And I still wear my badge today
I was known as Lover Boy
And it happened just this way.
When I was young, I had a friend
And Jondo was his name.
He headed up a gang of lads
And on him, I’ll place most blame
For all the meanness we stirred up,
Most all beyond belief.
The gray hairs on my Mother’s head
Not counting all her grief!
Jondo had an aged aunt
That lived in Bristol town.
He visited her on bright spring day,
Came back and called us down
Beside the old swamp swimming hole.
And with some strange and eerie looks
Unwrapped a pack of printed stuff,
Plain hard core porno books!
They were a take off from the comic strips
Like "Trick Racey’s Famous Day,"
"Why Peepeye Loves Sweet Olive Oyle,"
"Biggs and Saggies Day at Play!"
We spread them out upon the grass
Sat down on our behinds
Dog-eared those pages, one by one
And distorted our young minds!
From that day on, you may be sure
Our outlook on things had changed.
The dirty books blew our minds,
We were all somewhat, deranged.
Things calmed down in a day or two,
But the local female’s knew
That Jondo’s boys were well informed
On the things that people do!
Jondo really cared for us!
He went back to Bristol town,
Brought back a bag of rubber things
And passed them all around.
Packaged up in bright tinfoil,
It was very plain to see
That he’d misjudged, both time and size
Especially for me!
An analogy should be drawn right here
Just to see what it was like.
Imagine building a double garage
Just to park one single bike!
I carried that thing around awhile
In a crumpled, paper sack.
I finally went to the chicken house
And hid it in a crack!
Weeks passed real fast and turned to months,
And months turned into years.
Jondo fought a paternity suit
While I was still wet behind the ears.
I would anticipate that things use
And feel so all alone.
I got it out and then buried it
Beneath an old tombstone!
My junior year in high school passed
And I’d been assigned a summer task.
Science projects were then required
So I dug up the amber flask
That contained my aged albatross.
And it was none too soon,
School would open in a week or so
And I would need a big balloon!
A brilliant thought had come my way,
I’d kill two birds with on big fling.
I’d check the updrafts of the local winds
And get rid of that awful thing!
I filled a flask and made some gas,
Then stretched it o’er the top.
It filled up slow and easy like
‘Til it looked like it would pop!
Before I turned the darned thing loose,
I nearly missed my claim to fame.
I wrote these words "I loathe you!"
And then I signed my name!
It rode the winds just like a pro,
Then went plumb out of sight.
I took my notes and went on home
And really slept that night!
Over the hill, just east of home
In a sheltered mountain glen,
Lived the prettiest girl in all the world
And if I had know it then,
I would not have disinterred that thing
And let it rise into the skies.
For it came down a in a big rose bush
And popped right before her eyes!
It was several days before I learned
Exactly how things went.
Seems that part of "loathe" had blown away
In the rose bush accident.
No maiden to this point in time
Had received a love note quite this way,
An ingenious method, so unique
And the intent was as plain as day!
I never did deny a thing.
I just let fate have a chance.
The first day on our way to school
We struck up a big romance!
I never will forget those days
For it was such a joy!
She would squeeze my hand and say aloud
"Now, how’s my Lover Boy?"
Our romance lasted several months,
Then it took its final breath.
That gal came down in a family way
And scared my Mother half to death!
But she was not the only mom
Asking, how, and why, and when.
It seems that all of Jondo’s boys
Made regular visits to the glen!
Her boy was born and time went by
But she never named the dad.
He didn’t look like anyone
And this was kind of sad.
The suspicion on all of Jondo’s boys
Lingered on as we grew old.
The only clue we ever had
Was the tall tales that young’un told!
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