HIATUS HERNIA

For some unknown reason, I have always been a reasonably healthy individual. As a matter of fact, I very seldom get sick and when I do there seems to be a built in resistance and I am back in top shape in no time at all.

As a result of this stable state of healthy freedom, I have spent a lot of time sympathizing with most of my friends and relatives. They all seem to have an over abundance of illnesses and complaints. To tell the truth, over the years, I have become the most sympathetic ear for lamentations of this sort and one of the best conveyors of tender loving care you will find anywhere. As a result I have developed a sympathetic attitude comparable to none and to fit most any occasion!

Sympathy and tender loving care must be bestowed in a most sincere and cautious manner; that is, to do the most good. Never, and I do mean never, suggest a treatment that could or would result in the cure of the particular ailment your friend or relative might have. You must remember; they don’t want to be cured! They get too much sympathy and TLC the way they are and a cure would probably send them into a complete mental collapse.

There is another thing to keep uppermost in your mind. When advised of any specific ailment or complaint; don’t ever make any sign or suggest in any way whatsoever that you have an understanding of their illness. No way! They want to explain their pain, misery and suffering in a long drawn out detailed manner. Your ignorance will give them the greatest of pleasure!

Also, you must remember to keep your mouth shut and to wear a long and serious concerned look. A sad expression and a nod of the head while seemingly brushing a tear from your eye can seal a lifelong friendship. If you really want to break up a friendship just utter the words "Yeah, I know what you are going through, I’ve got the same thing!"

After years of patiently listening and responding to a steady flow of gripes and complaints, I actually got ill! I mean, I got sick as a dog. I had stomach pains, heart murmurs, chest pains, gas and headaches. I got the whole bit.

Conjuring up in my mind that I just might have come down with an illness worthy of note I went to the doctor. After a very thorough examination the doctor informed me that I had a hiatus hernia!

A hiatus hernia! Now that sounded bad and I do mean bad. Just think, I had a hiatus hernia! Finally I had a condition worthy of note and discussion. The possibilities of using my condition to get out of doing unpleasant things were endless. My hiatus hernia could act up anytime I might choose! I could already hear those sweet sympathetic words and feel the touch of tender loving care that would surely come my way. My hiatus hernia was acting up. There were absolutely no limits. My condition was perfect; I had finally arrived!

I left the doctor’s office on cloud nine. I had my diet instructions and directions on the proper usage of such stuff a mylanta and digel. Diet my foot, damned if I was going on a diet, quit drinking coffee or lay off cigarettes. Hells afire, I had a condition and I intended to stay that way!

I don’t do things in a small way. No sireee! My condition was something that required and demanded that it be announced in the most dramatic way possible. What better way to dramatically join my fellow complainers than to seize the moment and make announcement at the upcoming family cookout? Absolutely brilliant!

After studying up on all the symptoms, side effects and repercussions a hiatus hernia could possibly cause and after practicing the sick look in front of the mirror; I made my entrance at the family cookout. I was ready. Ready for an overdose of sympathy and, oh well, what the hell; a little TLC never hurt anyone!

When I walked in no one and I do mean no one asked me how I was feeling; commented on how I looked or for that matter, gave me any opportunity whatsoever that I could use to announce my condition.

As a matter of fact, the first thing I heard upon entering was "Say, did you hear about Clayton? He’s been feeling poor lately; got a hiatus hernia! Of course his condition is not as bad as mine; he can swallow his food. You know of course, Larry has one too and John is taking fizzle dust for his!"

+ + + + + + + + + + + + + +

"What are you doing here in the mental ward? What in the world brought all this on?"

"Would you believe it all started with a hiatus hernia?"