A PODUNK PHONE CALL

"You have reached the Podunk Potluck Prescription Pleasers. To assure quality of service your call may be monitored or recorded. To reach someone in sports or for sports apparel, press one; for help in office supplies, press two; for auto supplies, press three. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for cosmetics, press eight and if you want to fill a prescription, press nine."

You press nine. "Have you tried ECSTASY with your latest romantic interlude? The condom that allows nature to take it’s own natural course. It is our prescription for cloud nine romantic pleasure and they are guaranteed ‘pop proof!’ If you are ever involved with a paternity suit after using ECSTASY all your legal expenses will be paid by the manufacturer. . . . . . . . . . . press one for the pharmacy."

You press one. "If you desire to have a prescription refilled please enter your PPPP prescription number and it will be filled promptly. If you wish to talk with a pharmacist, press two."

You have three prescriptions to be refilled and you are old and half blind so you press two. "Our pharmacist’s are extremely busy at the moment, so please leave your telephone number and some will get back with you." The phone goes dead before you can give them your number.

You mutter a few off colored words and then begin to re-dial.

After your third attempt you give up all hope of ever getting your medication from PPPP. You then proceed to telephone your doctor for copies of your prescriptions to take your business elsewhere. You dial your doctor. "You have reached the offices of Doctor Bill Uright; to assure quality of service your call may be monitored or recorded; if you are on medicare, press one . . . . . . ."

You hang up the phone and proceed to loose your "good conduct medal" for a lifetime of dedicated devotion toward civility.

If you think this is bad, try calling the telephone company or any government agency anywhere and at anytime.

Incidentally, is there any one that will call you back once you get the chance to leave your telephone number?

How on earth did we get to this point; can anyone tell me? Is it just me; or am I becoming a crotchety old man?

We have the best communications of any country in the world and we are using them in the least effective manner possible. American institutions and businesses should know better. They should respect the consumer and the exaggerated experiences I described should never happen. It is a stupid and an asinine method of handling an inquiry from a customer. What I can’t figure out is how we got to this age of almost total irresponsibility whereby the American businesses and institutions would be so disrespectful of the consumer.

Somewhere in America there must be a CEO of a corporation that will have the guts to call the underlings together and issue an edict similar to the following:

"Our communications, our phones, our computers and our human voices are part of this establishment so that we may keep in constant touch with the consumer. There is absolutely nothing to replace the one on one conversation between each and every one of us and the consumer. Any prerecorded substitution to restrict, delay or confuse any consumer for your own convenience by any employee is grounds for immediate dismissal. Do I make myself clear?"

I made this speech once. Just once; business doubled that year!

Restricting the consumer’s free and immediate access to the human voice by any establishment is sterile and inhumane. As I said, it is disrespectful and is in itself a method of self-destruction.

I see this inhumane conduct everywhere I go. Elderly people by the millions are herded in and out of our business establishments and institutions like cattle. Disabled parking is a requirement by law but most places will accommodate only the bare minimum spaces.

I visited the Veteran’s Administration Hospital last week. The treatment of some of the veteran’s is appalling. Old, befuddled, lame and senile they were trying to find their way in a maze of hallways by following multicolored lines on the tiled floors. Don’t someone know that these people need someone to guide them and to see they get to their destination on time. It is the humane thing to do as well as being effective to the overall operation of the hospital.

I mention these inhumane incidents toward older people because I am beginning to detect that a sterile businesslike political correctness is permeating the fabric of our institutions.

Remember the consumer pays all the bills. Businesses like Podunk don’t even pay taxes; they figure them into their profit structure and you pay their taxes for them!

Things are getting real bad, folks!

I was feeling pretty darned low the other afternoon and I felt that I was in need of a quick inspirational attitude adjustment of some sort so I dialed my preacher. "You have reached the Celestial Crystal Cathedral. Doctor Verbal Word is indisposed at the moment. His reverence begs your indulgence but we must assure quality of service, so your call may be monitored or recorded. If you need someone to perform a marriage ceremony, press one; if you are seeking a marriage councilor, press two; if you feel in need of a prayer, press three; someone to hold a revival, press four; . . . . . . . . . . . . if you need last rights, press nine. If you must talk to Doctor Word, press zero.

I pressed every last number. Doctor Verbal Word had a prerecorded message on every one of them. He never called me back!